Having a child in the NICU and or a baby born too soon can be scary and devastating. Unfortunately, some of those around us have the best of intentions, but say words that cut deep.
As a momma to a 27 weeker who was just 1lb 6.9oz, I realize how incredibly intimidating it must have been to try to comfort and support my husband and I. Looking back, I notice how most of the people around us either said things that were extremely hurtful or sat in silence, which made me feel so alone.
Truth is, unless you’ve walked this path, it’s hard to know exactly what to do or what to say. If you know a family that is struggling with this I want to help you with a few tips…
Say Something
Like I said, the silence can sometimes be cold and isolating. We notice. We still gave birth. Our baby is still real. If you would have reached out if we had delivered a healthy full-term baby, then say something even with the prematurity. Say Congratulations, not I’m Sorry.
Keep it Positive
You don’t have to point out the obvious by asking about the baby’s health. But a baby is still a baby. If you’ve seen a picture or seen this little fighter in person, admire things like their tiny toes, strong spirit, or any features that look like mom or dad! During our NICU stay I had a photographer come take some pictures of our sweet Adalyn and I was so nervous of what she (as a stranger at the time) would think or say. I wondered if she would ask questions about all her tubing or maybe be a little turned off by how tiny and frail she was. My anxiety was to the MAX. So, imagine my relief when she simply said “oh my gosh Meisha, she looks JUST like Adrian! “
Offer Your Ear
Gosh, sometimes I just wanted to cry. I wanted permission to feel my feelings, cry my tears, and let it all out! I didn’t want to hear “it will be ok” or “it’s God’s plan” …I wasn’t ready for any of that. I simply wanted a compassionate ear to acknowledge my pain and affirm to me that I️ was safe with them, safe to be and feel all that I needed in that moment. Learn to listen with your heart, not list just to respond.
Pray With Me
I’m a spiritual person, and I have a firm belief in God. I stand strong in his comfort. But in times of trauma, it’s so hard to pray for yourself. His words seem so far from reach. But I know that he is near the broken hearted. It is one thing to say “I’ll be praying for you guys!” – honestly…these are just words. Get on the phone and do it! If you are local, come hold our hands, and help us ask God for the clarity and strength we so desperately want, but may not know how to ask for in troubling times.
Just Be You
I know it may feel you should be doing something extra special or that you should be helping more, but sometimes just being you and being present with us in that moment makes all the difference. It doesn’t take a big grand gesture of flowers to the hospital, or some huge public “please keep our friends in mind” Facebook post, for us to know that you are supporting us through our struggle. Just be you! Remind us that we are loved and thought about daily.
Supporting a family that has had a traumatic birth experience can be overwhelming for sure. But remember that grace and love goes a long way. Give from your heart, love them fiercely, and do your best to give space when needed.
With Love,
A Momma Who’s Been There